why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
