I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
