I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
