hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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