in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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