Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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