Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
