Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
