help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
