Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Randomize
