Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
