so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
