xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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