is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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