I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
