so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
