Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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