Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
