This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
