Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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