on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
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