We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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