If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
