Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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