He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
