maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
