does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Randomize
