shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
