It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
