i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
