everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Randomize
