come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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