call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
