he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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