Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
