My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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