How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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