Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I need to align my fucking chakras
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
