Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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