I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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