Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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