if i can run in heels then i can drive
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
be right there i have to get my cape
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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