He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
