Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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