I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
