whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
