I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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