I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
