I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
