I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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